Let's Do It...

     SHE decided to let this last little dispute about me taking the better job last for about two months.  Why waste time on stupid, insignificant stuff?  I tried not to get too upset about it and let HER vent.  Sometimes YOU need to vent and I understand that.  I'm sure I will need that favor one day, hopefully SHE realizes that and is fair.  I feel, that in relationships, the little things such as this or HER downing me when i was sick, can be overlooked for the greater good.  She was upset because HER feelings got hurt; I get it.  CHEATING and such will destroy everything and if things continue after cheating something very bad will result.  No trust equals no relationship!  It will happen again.  So I bit my tongue because I knew things were difficult for the both of us and we don't always act as we should under that kind of pressure.  It's very important to understand how to argue even more important to know how to resolve an argument.  SHE finally came around to having our normal, playful conversations.  One day when we are both dead, SHE is going to want those months back.  I don't know how SHE felt but I wanted HER bad; still do.  We had phone play and it was awesome; it always is.  What a way to be there when you can't be there.  It's nice to be that turned on by that special somebody.  We should meet soon!  Man, our first in the flesh, lips to lips, hugging, touching and sexing and laughing and yessss.  I can't believe I am going to be face to face with my sexy lover, friend after three years of amazing.  I'm going to set it up.  Let's finally meet PRINCESS...

Up Up And Away...

     The worst thing anyone can do is take away YOUR happily ever after.  Especially when that person is SUPPOSED to love YOU.  I think it's dishonest not to express YOUR true feelings.  Can I get mad?  Of course I can get mad.  EVERYBODY gets mad.  If there's a person that you know that doesn't get mad, then YOU better drop them off with military officials so they can determine what other species they are.  I'm passionate about all of the important things in life.   It's definitely a plus and not a negative. If I love you, then I love YOU completely.  You will feel like the most special woman in the world.  I don't have time for ignorant cheating or looking.  If I choose you, then that means I want YOU.  It takes a lot to get me angry.  An example of things that are sure to boil me over is when there is a major lie.  Let me explain.  A major lie is a lie that has a direct effect on health, head or heart.  Lying about what color that YOU wore doesn't get me upset.  However, telling me that you were with your girlfriends and I find out that you were hanging out with a dude will do it.  Anyway, I came back from my interview and decided to take the new job.  It's more important for me to get established smoothly and I needed the relocation pay in order to do that effectively.  Not to mention that there will be a lot of opportunities because it's a growing company.  How do I tell HER?  Because, as much as SHE tries to act like SHE doesn't do the things SHE chastises me about, SHE can get mad and offensive and all that not so good stuff.  I guess I will just tell HER.  SHE has got to understand that it's not personal because it is not personal.  If you ever get a chance to know me, you will figure out soon that I am as honest as they come.  When I told HER that I decided to take the other job I made sure that I explained careful why.  SHE wasn't having it or hearing it.  SHE want to argue and go off on me.  I'm trying to do what's best and SHE decided to be very selfish and very cold.  SHE told me that it was stupid to change my mind at the last minute and that because I chose this job, we would never see each other and oh well.  What?  I expected HER to be happy for me and be adaptable because SHE said that SHE loved me.  I had every intention to come see HER just as soon as I could.  This really broke my heart.  I expected much more from HER but it didn' make me change my opinion of HER or condemn HER for HER actions.  I truly did get over this but, like I said, it hurt me pretty bad.  It took the wind right out of my sails.  I understand that people can let emotions get the better of them sometimes so I didn't dwell on it.  I just hopes SHE comes to HER senses and realizes that SHE was wrong.  SHE will be wrong again I am sure and so will I but if you love each other, this little stuff can be overlooked.  Just for your information, it wasn't the first time SHE overreacted and I know it won't be the last.  Conversations were a little rough during this time because SHE holds on to things way to long and when SHE says SHE'S over it, be ready to hear about it a few more times.  Even knowing all of that, I don't condemn HER.  In relationships, you have to see both sides clearly before YOU do something drastic.  There are some things that unforgivable like cheating and physical violence.  So I told my doctor and he said it was okay for me to leave early.  Thank GOD!  So now I am on my way to a new place on a new adventure and the woman that I love is not supporting me...

Damned If I do...

     The job that was within miles of HER came through.  They hired me and wanted me to start in several weeks.  All I had to do is get the okay from my doctor and I was golden.  During my next doctors appointment, he actually told me that he wanted me to stay in treatment for a couple of more weeks just as a precaution and he had no data stating that I must stay.  However, he said that if I acquired employment before his tentative date, then he would release me from treatment. COOL!  I thought that was very fair.  So I talked to HER about me getting the job and told HER what my start date would be.  SHE was really excited and so was I.  I am going to see my PRINCESS and pretty frequently.  I started getting in the mind frame of accepting my new job.  Then, I got an email from this other job.  They were a newer company with every benefit that I needed.  They also offered relocation money and the pay was great.  Another benefit they had over the job I was going to accept was the fact that it was a permanent job instead of a one year contract and let's see what happens kind of deal.  I guess it wouldn't hurt to see what they had to offer.  This new job said they would fly me out for an interview too.  What harm would that do?  I will just schedule it before I am supposed to leave.  I mean isn't that the smart thing to do?  I wanted to maximize my earning potential and maximize my benefits.  So I scheduled an interview the week before I was supposed to start work.  SHE wasn't thrilled about it but I have to do what's best for me, for us even.  My goal is to move closer to HER and I had told HER that regardless.  All I want is happily ever after with HER.  There are so many thing that I absolutely adore about HER.  He doesn't deserve HER because he doesn't respect HER nor does he love HER like a man loves and adores his wife.  SHE deserves that and I am certain SHE knows that I can give it to HER.  Well I got to catch a plane.  So I am going to fly out for an interview.  Over the phone, everything sounded great and if this company can deliver like advertised, then I would be a fool not to accept employment.  But, at the same time, I want to be closer to HER.  I hope SHE can support me no matter what I decide.  I have got to choose wisely.  I flew out and met my potential boss.  He seemed very knowledgeable and very trustworthy at the first impression.  i also found out that not only will I get more than enough for relocation, they will also provide FREE temporary housing for a month. Oh man I am torn.  I love HER so much and want HER so much.  But this is such a great opportunity.  I don't know if I can pass it up and I don't know how SHE will respond if I decide to take this job instead...

Round And Round We Go...

     I still heard no word on a divorce.  SHE seriously couldn't be considering staying with this guy that his mom should have swallowed instead if you know what I mean?  he pulled off very dirty and underhanded lies, truth be told, for probably half their marriage.  I was under the impression that SHE had more self-respect, pride and love for HERSELF than that.  However, I didn't express my feelings.  I don't care if this loser bought HER a diamond for every day of their marriage, enough is enough.  What he did cannot be repaired let alone repaired with money.  Especially when he jeopardized HER health by playing Russian roulette with sexually transmitted diseases or STD's.  I'm sure this sex maniac used a condom every single time he dipped his cock in all of those skanks.  Yeah right.  I know SHE had some financial concerns in the event of divorce but that's what a good divorce lawyer is for.  SHE would not suffer financially nor will SHE have to worry about medical insurance.  My job hunt continued in the midst of all of this.  My first job offer came in but I would have to relocate and provide my own tools.  I really wanted to take that job because the location was perfect and the pay was excellent.  But, those start up expenses were just a little too much for me to feel comfortable.  I had to decline.  It could wind up being a big mistake because there's no guarantee I will get another offer.  I'm confident in my abilities and experience but nothings 100 percent.  About a week after I turned down that first offer, another one came.  This one had great pay and was only several hours away from my PRINCESS.  How cool!  That would mean a weekend trip would be easy and we should be able to see each other regularly.  I told HER the news and SHE was very excited.  SHE calculated the driving distance and started talking about making trips out to see me.  Now this job didn't pay for relocation but everything else was cool.  Okay, I guess that I will take it.  The fact that I could see HER played a pretty good role in my decision.  We talked about how SHE felt about romeo and SHE said that SHE wasn't mad at him. HUH?  SHE said that SHE doesn't want him to be HER enemy. HUH? And if he is out of HER life, then he isn't ANYTHING but a horrible memory.  By my recollection, he made HER an enemy by cheating on HER all of those years with all of those whores.  SHE'S not mad???  How can YOU not be mad that someone that YOU pored YOUR heart and soul into, and trusted with YOUR life and well-being, WILLINGLY and REPEATEDLY destroyed YOUR faith and humiliated YOU all for frivolous self gratification?  It was over the course of many years so he absolutely could have cared less about the ramifications and must have thought SHE was an idiot and wouldn't ever find out.  How can YOU not be mad?  Oh I am plenty mad for the both of us.  He's a user and abuser and that's his good qualities.  SHE is actually my friend and to see someone walk all over and disrespect my friend... Now add the fact that SHE is my sexy lover and confidant...FUCK him.  I wouldn't piss on him to put a fire out.  I take that back; I would piss all over him and then relight the flame.  Can we say SHE'S still in denial?  So what if he paid the bills?  He had a LEGAL obligation to pay them.  So what if he bought gifts?  Money will NEVER replace respect, trust, honesty, or love.  So what if he has helped with medical insurance and such?  Again, if he didn't then he could be forced to do so by a court of law.  So what good has he actually done that he wouldn't have been forced to do by law?  I'm starting getting the feeling that SHE has a very addictive personality.  Some of the things SHE told me plus just some of HER actions lead me to believe this.  Like, for instance, social networks on line.  I have a feeling that SHE would and probably have neglected things and possibly overlooked people to constantly stay on line for hours at a time.  I don't know if that's a good thing.  I would think research and planning out HER life would take priority.  Not that YOU can't enjoy down time but if it does prohibit real relationships and life from progressing then, it's an issue.  Anyway, I landed this job and I am supposed to start in several weeks.  I just have to see if my doctor will release me from treatment a little earlier than he had said...

You're An All-star...

     Now one of the big reasons for me being disgruntled about not being as mobile as before was the fact that I love sports.  Ever since the third grade, I have been in love.  It all started with dodgeball and kickball and progressed into football and basketball.  I'm not talking about soccer; real American football.  I have always been quick and confident in every game that I have played.  I have done things that some guys just dream about.  I have hit home runs in games before.  I have caught the winning touchdown numerous times.  I have made the winning shot before.  I have been the last man standing in dodgeball numerous times.  I have struck out numerous players before.  I love sports!  So I have to get back to that high level of strength and endurance.  I understand that it can take years but I got to do it.  I started walking better but I still had a lingering shortness of breath so I had to pace myself.  I began looking for jobs in HER area as well as the west coast.  There are several reasons that I wanted to go out west; some of which I won't get into in this story.  My military experience and training has made it possible for me to be in the running for some high paying jobs.  I am blessed.  There were some opportunities available so I threw my resume at several of them.  I still didn't know exactly when I would be released.  The last time we discussed it, the doctor told me in about two months.  I started feeling the pressure from that as well.  Now when we talked the conversations were a little more lovey dovey.  SHE expressed some of HER feelings for me that we had never talked about and I did the same about HER.  I had never pressured HER before to leave HER husband or anything like that and I didn't feel the need to start now.  I just assumed that now it was the smart, logical, an inevitable thing to happen.  But make no mistake I felt and hoped it would happen soon.  I want HER around and can't imagine how it would feel to be in HER presence on a regular basis.  We still hadn't met though.  We have logged in a lot of video and phone time through the years.  I knew that meeting would just enhance all of this.  But I have to get my health back on the right track and get situated in my new job; wherever and whatever that will be.  This answers the whole can you love someone without meeting them question.  So many similarities we have.  Everything lines up from sexual turn ons to family upbringing to music to even the most basic qualities of life and expectations.  Again we had experienced another trial.  I want to meet HER and hold HER and kiss HER and feel HER from the inside out. 

Back To The Story...

     I was definitely worried about what might have happened to HER.  I didn't receive a text or a phone call so I was kind of left hanging.  Maybe SHE decided not to talk to me again...  Maybe HER asshole husband hurt or killed HER...  I was just waiting for HER to contact me. When finally, I got a text.  SHE told me that SHE was the one that went to jail because SHE had tried to grab romeo's phone and cut his forehead with her ring.  SHE proceeded to tell more of the details about his escapades and sexual affairs.  He had been doing all of this for a long time.  He had even screwed around while he was at work.  I could only imagine how that would feel to know that your spouse was fucking any and everyone that would let them.  How would it feel to go back and think...maybe when he was late picking me up, he was actually fucking a dirty skank?  You could never trust them again so basically it is over!  SHE told me that it all came about when a text came in on his phone from a female.  He confessed to having numerous affairs for X amount of years.  Again I believe that SHE can double the amount of time that he confessed to and still be off by a year or two.  This was worth a lot less than a voluntary confession.  He was forced to come clean due to the circumstances.  SHE was arrested and in jail and had to go to the hospital because of a health related condition.  SHE was unable to contact me for most of that time. WOW!  So I am thinking there is no way possible that SHE will stay with that degenerate.  He has proven time and time again that he doesn't want HER.  SHE always appeared to me as a very strong willed and headstrong woman.  I know SHE won't put up with this blatant disrespect for HER and, everything that SHE believed in HER marriage was all a lie.  What's HER next step going to be?  I told HER that I was sorry and I wish things didn't happen the way they did.  Wait a minute.  Why don't I?  She needed a wake up and get the fuck away from this dude call.  As sorry as I was for the whole jail experience and such, I wasn't sorry that the loser was exposed for the real jerk that he is.  SHE also told me that when the cops showed up, SHE was feeling very bad health-wise and they forced HER to get medical treatment.  SHE said that it got to the point that night that something really awful was going to happen like someone getting hurt.  SHE thanked me for saving HER life.  What could I do? SHE needed me and I wasn't going to let HER die.  I began to realize that no matter how screwed up the situation is, I love that WOMAN.  I hope SHE does the smart thing and leaves him because there is absolutely no positive nor healthy future ahead with him.  We talked some more and there was another shift in our four year relationship.  Wow did I say four years?  I am not a person that carries stress with me but it had been very trying.  I know SHE wants me and jerk off doesn't want HER so it's easy.  And I want HER too.  Finally, I believe SHE will make the right decision and we can finally move forward and explore this relationship.  We can finally enjoy each other the way that we have always wanted.  I never thought of HER as someone that I would get a chance to have a complete relationship with because SHE has been married this whole time.  But now, SHE will be divorced soon.  I love and need HER and all of this made it all clear...

Personal Responsibility...

     As I dove head first into this relationship, I did so knowing a few things to be true.  I feel that YOU, as the better half in a relationship, take on a personal responsibility when YOU decide to be in an intimate relationship.  Intimate is not only sexually but most importantly, emotionally intangled in the others inner thoughts and dreams for the future.  There are no laws or contracts but, if YOU are responsible, respectable and morally sound, YOU know this to be true.  The way some people treat their better half, there should be laws to convict them for breaking someone down to the point of destroying their inner self.  Maybe that would eliminate some of the " I do whatever I want" negative attitudes out there since some people don't have common courtesy and respect.  YOU should know that when YOU take on a personal relationship, that YOU take on personal responsibility.  For instance, let's say that I took my girlfriend out on a date.  We walk towards an attractive woman and as we are passing by, I grab her ass.  Now there's no law against me doing that (to my girlfriend anyway); however, I take on personal responsibility for my girlfriend's feelings and heart when I make her mine.  I know that grabbing that woman will hurt her greatly because her heart is linked to mine.  In other words, doing things that YOU KNOW will hurt that "special" someone, emotionally and definitely physically, is wrong and YOU should take personal responsibility for our actions.  At the highest level of relationships, a marriage, vows have been put in place in the ceremony as a reminder.  I will love and honor you and have nobody else before you.  That's your responsibility.  Now there are different levels of responsibility depending on how much has been vested in the relationship.  An emotional and sexual and spiritual bond should be honored and cherished at all times.  YOU have a responsibility!  Just because YOU say I'm not responsible, doesn't make it true.  In YOUR heart of hearts, if YOU have one, YOU know what's wrong.  A good test is to see how YOU feel when YOUR significant other belittles or ignores what YOU say or wish or just down right disrespects YOU.  Did their actions have a direct effect on YOUR mood and emotions?  Of course they did.  Why do YOU feel that YOU can reap the benefits of a good relationship without contributing anything positive?  A good relationship requires some key ingredients: mutual respect for each other and each others feelings, honesty on both ends at ALL times, not only telling but showing genuine affection, and doing the simple things to keep everything together.  You will never have the same attributes in a different relationship because different people would be involved.  When you capture something special you should cherish and respect it because when it's gone, it's gone!

NO MORE EXCUSES.... Is This The End???

     Throughout this whole thing, I have been more than patient and understanding and accommodating.  I was stupid enough to believe HER on HER word.  See I believe that people are like me and I shouldn't.  I believe in ONE woman for ONE man...no excuses, no oh it's just the internet, no I was drunk honey, no everybody else is doing it.  I also believe in ONE man for ONE woman.  If YOU can't do little simple things for the person that YOU are supposed to love, then that should tell YOU just how screwed up YOU are.  Not only screwed up but hypocritical.  Situations reversed and YOU have a heart attack and can't believe how this could be done to YOU.  Actions speak LOUDER than words!  If YOU are not willing to show it, then YOU don't mean it!  We still talked and the more trust that is broken the more tainted the vision becomes.  Trying to excuse or argue away the main issue will not change the facts.  If YOU are told, in sincerity something that bothers YOUR loved one and for the love of GOD and all that is right, CANNOT stop those activities, then YOU really don't love that person.  I would have forsaked breathing if SHE said it would have harmed HER pretty little head. I tried to shake off the fact that SHE was married but it was getting to me.  So I was nearing the point of letting HER fall on HER face.  No matter how much I loved HER, I should love myself more.  If SHE can't or refuses to do simple things, then what does that mean for the future. Why would YOU rather have insincere and shady people who YOU don't really know in YOUR imaginary life than someone that has proven themselves time and time again.  There must be an illness for this.  SERIOUSLY because how stupid is that?  Well, we continued talking and SHE made no efforts to dissolve HER marriage and not only that had extracurricular activities going on.  I would think after being married that nothing else would come up or be brought in my face about another dude whatsoever.  Whether it's the phone, internet or sending fucking letters through the mail.  Then I get a text from HER later in the night.  SHE told me how there were very bad things going on with HER husband.  SHE found out that romeo had been repeatedly cheating on HER for the course of 4 or 5 or 6 years or whatever he decided to confess to.  I am a firm believer that when a confession comes out, it is most likely WORSE than what is confessed.  Well, stupid me is concerned because I am under the assumption that SHE loved me.  Romeo had pictures and such of different whores he fucked and LORD knows what else.  They had to be prostitutes or drug addicts because no self respecting woman would engage in the sexual activities that were described.  There was a situation with a gun and HER and romeo.  SHE was basically telling me good bye in the text.  I could never be as cold as to string someone along nor make someone feel less of a person while knowing that my actions did just that....make them feel less of a person.  I couldn't let HER die.  I stopped getting texts so I had to act.  Being the fact that I didn't live in the same town, I dialed 911.  I come to find out that they are not all linked.  The cops came to my MOM'S house.  What the fuck?  Every second could mean SHE is dead.  To this day, I don't know if SHE even appreciated it because instead of stopping something stupid and frivolous, SHE would rather show SHE doesn't care at all about my wishes repeatedly.  So as the cops that were supposed to save the day, were standing in front of me, I had to act even faster.  I called HER local cops and had them dispatch officers and alerted them there was a gun involved.  My heart was racing and I couldn't breath.  Will they get there in time? Why the fuck didn't SHE already leave this loser? Why the fuck didn't I already leave HER alone?  I guess all the answers to those questions and the cure for cancer will be found in a time capsule in 1000 years.  I didn't hear any word over night from HER.  I called back HER local station and they said that officers did go out and someone was arrested.  But, they wouldn't tell me any more information.  I had at least a weeks worth of sleepless nights and questions before I would find out anything else.  Was SHE still alive?  I have no idea and no idea why I still cared.  SHE can't do simple things for me like leave certain things alone.  ERASE all of the issues with no complaints, arguments or excuses.  I might have saved HER life but I don't know yet; nor do I know if SHE will care....

Walk This Way...

     I started walking more and more.  I wasn't near normal as far as endurance and strength goes but I was walking a lot more independently.  It was scary not knowing what was wrong, then not knowing if I would walk again.  My mom and I would go for walks around her neighborhood and up to the library.  She was really supportive and I appreciated all of her encouragement.  I love you MOM!  I was also offered to have a physical therapist come and help me workout and walk when I got discharged.  I decided against it because, during my last therapy session in the hospital, I had improved to the point of dribbling a basketball in the room.  From that, I knew that I could manage on my own.  The main thing was strength conditioning.  The job search became more active the closer it got to me being released from treatment.  I posted my resume on several on line job sites and searched everywhere I could think.  I talked to my PRINCESS about the possibility working near HER.  We both liked the idea but it was just a thought at the time.  Of course, I could go back overseas but it had left a bad taste in my mouth.  Plus maybe, just maybe, we could meet.  I mean we had been talking for years by then and I was very fascinated to say the least.  We still had our phone and video conversations when we could.  I still went to the bathroom when SHE turned me on and got off with HER.  BAD BOY! BAD BOY!  The sex talk was so descriptive and vulgar at times.  It felt great to not only masturbate but to do it with a woman that knew exactly how to talk to me.  I mean the right dirty words at the right time and HER voice is so sexy.  I love having my pretty PRINCESS on one hand and, at the same time, having all my raunchy and dirty fantasies and play fulfilled in the bedroom.  We have been there for each other through difficult situations.  We have supported each other mentally, emotionally and some physical needs.  I needed HER and some how, some way, SHE appeared in my life.  Looking back, I don't know how I would have handled going through some of those things without HER.  That's the sign of someone special.  Although there have been these trials and tests, none made more of an impact than the one I am about to tell you about...

Feeling Better...

     I began gaining some weight back and getting stronger.  A nurse would stop by two days a week to watch me take my pills.  That was mandatory requirement by the state Health Department.  If I had refused to take my pills, then I could have been arrested.  Funny how a lot of laws and regulations are in place because people don't have sense enough to take proper care of themselves and others.  Who would want to be sick or cause other people to become sick?  It wasn't as bad as I expected and I wanted to get my health back so I had no problem at all taking my pills.  At my mom's house, we couldn't talk as freely as we could elsewhere.  After catching up with HER, I found out that SHE was still with dip shit.  What a shame!  Why is SHE prolonging the inevitable?  There is no possible way for HER to be happily ever after with this guy.  Anyway, we picked back up where we had left off.  Since I was basically confined to my mom's house, I spent quite a bit of time on my computer and we texted a lot.  I would get on Skype with HER but, of course, I had to censor myself.  The only time that we had to talk dirty was when my mom was asleep and when dumb ass wasn't home.  I began writing my first upcoming EBOOK - http://RickysNewBook.blogspot.com - about my diagnosis and hospital experience.  SHE got jealous of the time that I would spend writing at first.  I would put HER on hold to finish up a post and SHE didn't like that at all.  SHE was used to my undivided attention so I guess I had spoiled HER.  We still had our in depth conversations and managed to make time for some dirty phone sex.  Sometimes I would get all horny while my mom was in the same room - I know it sounds wrong - and couldn't do anything about it.  Until one day, I couldn't take it and I went into the bathroom and stroked it in there.  As bad as it sounds, it was hot, it was filthy, and it felt good.  SHE explained to me that SHE had thought I didn't want to talk to HER any more when I told HER I wasn't feeling good and then again when I disappeared.  Since during the whole time that I had been talking to HER, I was NEVER sick, I could understand.  Our relationship definitely had a different feel to it after this experience.  We were more expressive with each other but I wouldn't dare tell HER that I was falling for HER.  SHE wasn't free so I couldn't bring myself to reveal that information.  I told HER about my hospital stay and that I missed and thought about HER.  SHE expressed the same sentiment to me.  I got to the point where I could walk better with no assistance.  I just had to pace myself.  At my next check up, all looked good.  My x-rays were good and so was my blood work.  I needed more time to pass before I started looking for a job though.  I couldn't leave until I finished my medication and I still had 3 months to go.  However, I had decided to look for a job in the states.  I was tired of moving from place to place.  I had moved about 10 times in the past 15 years.  I wanted to find somewhere to establish roots and it would also give us a chance to meet in person.  The more we talked, the more we realized that we had very similar backgrounds and families.  Now we were getting to know each other on a higher more personal level.  Would the chemistry be the same in person?  I always thought so because we video chatted and that's the next best thing but SHE was doubtful.  I think it was so SHE could minimize the whole thing and try to prolong making a decision.  I still had a ways to go in my recovery...

The Diagnosis...

     After numerous blood tests and chest x-rays, I was informed that the most probable diagnosis was tuberculosis but I definitely had pneumonia as well.  I'm confused... I thought TB came with coughing?  I didn't have the slightest cough.  I also thought that pneumonia was like a horrible cold?  Hmm, you learn something new everyday.  After taking a sample from my lung tissue, it was confirmed that I had TB.  I stayed in the ICU for a while, then I was moved to an isolation room.  I thought about HER from time to time.  I got very little sleep and the room's temperature was very uncomfortable.  I complained that it was too cold and was told that they couldn't control the thermostats from the hospital.  Huh? Why not?  So that was an on going misery during my whole stay.  I had very little sex drive as I was being pounded with medication.  At the peak, I took around 25 pills a day.  For the first month and a half, I was also on antibiotics and an IV.  I could tell when I was feeling better because I thought about HER and, if we talked, how would I be able to masturbate in my hospital room.  I know right??? There was very little privacy because my bed faced the door and it had a window in the middle of it.  I still didn't have a phone so I didn't call HER the whole time that I was there.  I had a couple of setbacks.  They found a little infection in my left lung too.  The original diagnosis was in my right lung.  Also, my blood chemistry was wacky so I ended up having a total of two blood transfusions before I was released.  One when I was first admitted and one later on.  I could barely move my legs so I also needed physical therapy.  I started doing leg exercises and walked around the room aided by a walker.  Then, when I gained more strength, I would walk around holding on to my therapist's arm.  Again my other upcoming EBOOK - http://RickysNewBook.blogspot.com - goes into great detail about my hospital stay and diagnosis.  I ended up staying in the hospital for two and a half months.  One of the conditions for my release was that I had to stay on supervised medication for at least another five months.  The other was that I had to live with someone.  Well, since I couldn't walk unassisted at the time, I couldn't argue the fact.  It sucked.  I stayed at my mom's house during my recovery.  As soon as I was released and situated, I sent HER a text message saying that I was alive.  Remember all SHE knew was that I dropped off the face of the earth.  SHE had no idea that I was that sick and hospitalized.  SHE texted me back and asked if it was really me.  I used my mom's phone to text HER so SHE was unfamiliar with that phone number. We hadn't talked for about three and a half months.  I got out of the hospital the week before Christmas but I had to spend my birthday and Thanksgiving there.  It was good to hear from HER even if it was only a text.  I wondered what was going on in HER life now.  Did SHE finally get a divorce?  Does SHE even want to talk to me?  I had more hurdles ahead.  I had to teach myself to walk again, get my health back, and find a job when all that was done...

If I'm Not Your Lover, Then I Don't Wanna Be Your Friend...

     Somewhere near the end of my civilian contract in Saudi, I started feeling ill.  It was unusual for me because I never even remember having the flu in my adult life.  To that point, I hadn't even been sick enough to miss work.  The most drastic illness that I recall is the basic common cold.  Nothing more.  I told HER that I was feeling a little weak and I thought I was catching the flu or something.  It was funny because I had just talked to HER about how healthy I had been throughout life.  I naturally assumed that it was the flu; I had nothing to compare it to.  We still talked but not as much.  I really wasn't feeling good.  However, I wasn't sneezing or coughing or had any other typical symptom.  We have talked after this incident and I said if ever I don't want to get of with HER, then SHE will know I am sick.  I began cutting conversations short and feeling even weaker.  SHE got irritated at me and SHE thought I just didn't want to talk to HER.  SHE got fussy and argued with me over it.  I didn't have the energy to argue back.  I am sure SHE felt rejected.  SHE told me off in messages and it was around that time that I just couldn't concentrate on anything.  Again we stopped talking.  I hadn't gone to the hospital yet because I felt it was just the flu in passing.  Then, I was scared of what was wrong with me.  I flew back to the states and, after about two weeks, I got to the point where I couldn't walk.  Oh my gosh; am I dying?  Now I was too scared to find out what was wrong.  I was just laying in my room wasting away.  Thank GOD one of my sisters found out about my condition and dialed 911.  This is where my other upcoming EBOOK - http://rickysnewbook.blogspot.com/ - starts so I won't go into crazy detail about my hospital experience here.  The paramedics were let into my room.  They hoisted me onto a stretcher and I was rolled out to an ambulance.  It was all so surreal.  Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.  I never rode in an ambulance.  I got admitted into the hospital and laid out in the hallway.  It seemed like an eternity.  I wasn't in any pain but I was weak as crap.  What on earth could be wrong with me?  It had been a month since we talked by the time 911 was called.  I missed HER voice but I didn't have a phone to call HER.  Plus I had a steep battle ahead of me.  She didn't even know that I was hospitalized.  Will I recover from whatever is wrong with me?  Will we ever talk again?  This turned out to be trial number two...

Chemistry...

     The chemistry was unmistakable.  Remember how I said it was like we had been lovers for years?  It was true.  The right words, the right sounds, rough at the right time, and soft when it was fitting; damn I'm falling for HER.  I still can't let on because SHE'S married and living with the douche bag.  I never thought I would be in this situation but NEVER say never.  The more I wanted HER, the more I thought maybe we should stop.  But still we are just talking so it's safe.  As long as I can keep my heart protected then I won't get hurt; I am a man that believes in relationships and love.  It's hard for me to separate sex from my inner most feelings.  It's hard for me, no almost impossible for me to have any form of meaningless sex.  Regardless of my growing attraction to HER, I kept things into perspective.  SHE is in an unhealthy marriage and SHE should leave romeo.  I stayed away from that conversation unless SHE asked me a specific question.  Above all else, I was truly HER friend.  I never stopped wanting what was best for HER.  It's hard to stay unbiased when I know that what is best for HER is me.  I would look for HER and SHE would look for me.  We had different ways to contact each other.  There was video chatting, on the phone, instant messages on line, and email.  I would send HER dirty messages while SHE was at work and SHE would respond.  Since I liked seeing cute panties on HER, SHE would go into the bathroom at work and pull up HER skirt and take a snap shot to send to me.  How sexy is that?  THAT drives me crazy to this day!  Where is this going?  SHE never mentioned leaving HER husband or getting a divorce and that did bother me a little over time.  At this point, we were still only phone friends so to speak.  I hadn't the right to bring up the fact that I thought SHE should leave HER husband I thought and , like SHE reminded me through the course of things, we hadn't met.  I didn't necessarily want HER to leave dip shit for me.  I wanted HER to leave him because he didn't deserve HER and he didn't treat HER like the princess and hot piece of ass that SHE is...

Back in The Saddle...

     So here it is...  SHE'S married and I am working in the Middle East.  It seems like I should just drop HER right; especially since we haven't met in person.  From the outside looking in, I couldn't agree more.  It's a different story when you share a closeness with someone and have formed a genuine bond.  Besides, what harm will it do, I live here for now and SHE lives there.  Who knows if we will ever meet face to face so why not have fun?  After the initial shock of HER confession had worn off, we started back talking more and more.  We would talk for hours at a time and we started video chatting more as well.  I remember I would get off work anticipating seeing just how low cut and tight HER top would be.  Whoa! SHE has a nice big set of boobs.  I love them!  When we talked via Skype, I would get so horny looking at HER pretty face and cleavage.  I don't think it is possible not to touch myself as we videod.  It's bad enough HER voice gets me all excited.  We would talk about our past and what we did that particular day.  And we would have amazing phone sex and video sex.  Hey don't knock it until you have tried it with someone that knows how to verbally arouse you!  Sometimes that alone took several hours.  I love being that turned on by a love interest.  We would talk extremely filthy.  I love that dirty stuff in the bedroom.  As long as your partner is into the same things that you are, there's nothing wrong with it.  SHE looked so sweet and innocent with a pretty face and soft little voice.  I loved calling HER filthy and degrading names during our sex talk.  It's very arousing for me to know that my LADY in public can be a very dirty whore behind closed doors.  SHE loves that too!  Anyway, soon we forgot all about the fact that SHE was married and let our desire for each other take on a life of it's own.  We became close friends and sexy phone lovers.  SHE kept me company while I was far away from home and I filled that void in HER life that had been growing over the years.  I think it's safe to say we were hooked...

Renewing That Spark...

     After I got acclimated to my new environment and job, I was kicking around the idea of talking to HER again.  I am not a chase after a woman kind of guy but thoughts of HER did persist.  Maybe...  One of the things that I found out about the Saudis is the fact that the air force sucks!  My job over here was to help train the Royal Saudi Air Force, definitely an inflated name, on how to maintain and repair the F-15C and D model fighter aircraft.  I worked on this aircraft for quite a few years in the U.S. Air Force so it was natural.  Of course they bought it from us and they had the bare bones aircraft.  All of the best weaponry and toys come with the software and components that we possessed in the states and they weren't about to get their hands on that kind of stuff.  They offered trips off of the compound that I stayed on for shopping or whatever.  I went a few times because if you wanted real groceries then you had to go to one of those grocery stores in the city.  There was a store on the compound but it wasn't fully stocked and it didn't have things like produce and such.  Plus going on the shopping bus, you could buy electronics or go to the bank or anything else you needed to do.  My goal was to get another computer because mine was toast.  I guess I will call and see what SHE'S up to these days.  I called HER and there was no answer so I left a message and gave her my new number here.  I didn't get an immediate reply so I carried on with my life.  All I could do is offer a path and extend hand.  At work, the Saudis were friendly, a little too friendly I thought for men.  Nevertheless, the all don't hate us and are not all trying to kill us.  However, there is that element out there too.  Over here, the Saudis life revolve are their Muslim faith.  There are a lot of scheduled prayer times.  It doesn't matter if you are at work or home or running your shop, prayer time is prayer time.  Much so that it is common place for shop owners to lock their doors while customers are in their shops or in the check out line and then go pray.  After praying, they come back and it's business as usual.  So I went to the electronics store and bought a computer.  I heard from HER finally and found out why SHE might have been hesitant or at least afraid to give an update on HER life.  When we finally did talk on the phone, SHE told me that SHE had missed me and I had missed HER.  We said our sorrys and the conversation was awkward at first but soon things were flowing again.  What comes next has been the proverbial thorn in the side of this whole relationship.  It has been my reason for built up frustrations and what lead to a couple of verbal outbursts.  This reasonable, smart, and head-strong WOMAN proceeded to tell me that SHE had taken back HER estranged husband, king dipshit.  What the fuck???  I know we hadn't talked for a couple of months but did I actually travel to a different planet?  I was shocked, stunned, perplexed, turned off, disappointed and a couple of other things.  SHE tells me how things have lost the initial excitement that had only been created cause they weren't living together for a while.  SHE also said that things had regressed back to the non impressive way that SHE didn't like them before. DUH!!! That's why I believe in a clean break in that situation because you will see glimpses of what you had before but it will never be the same in a marriage situation.

  Especially if you had chances to correct things over the years and things change for about a week or month then drift back to reality.  How cool SHE got back with dumb ass.  How is this gonna work and what does SHE want with me?  Why doesn't SHE just drop romeo once and for all and for good????

Hmmmm...

     Is it that hard to find someone that actually loves you back?  I am a very simple man.  I want a woman to love me back and be there for me.  A woman that can accept being loved on and played wih and adored and ...  I don't need or want different women and unorthodox or creepy sex.  I want one woman to be with and raise a family with and share dreams and goals.  I want a lover in every sense of the word.  Make me laugh, make me want you, help me, need me, please me, let me please you, grow with me and all in a POSITIVE way.  Is that so hard?  Please answer this...  Why don't women want to be truly loved and adored and I'm not talking about a fantasy that has been created, I'm talking about reality?  You can't turn a frog into a prince! That is one of the downfalls of DISNEY...

I Love Cute Panties On HER!

     As I was typing, I am looking at panties that I bought HER.  That ass is just so perfect for me and what I want.  I don't think SHE knows the half of it.  They are so cute and I can just imagine what they look like on HER.  I couldn't help it; Victoria Secret's sent me a card.... efers.  Here are a few of them.



Damnit...my cable is screwed! I will post them tomorrow.  Trust me; they are cute.

Saudi Bound...

     No matter how many friends take YOU out, no matter how many places YOU go, no matter how many times YOU get drunk, no matter how many times You cuss, no matter how many times YOU try...  You will never forget and You will never be the same without me.  We stopped talking and I felt like I lost my best friend because I did.  When I told someone what happened in my day or a story that reminds me of something that we shared or talked about, it's not the same unless I tell YOU.  I remember all of the funny little things YOU said and how YOU reacted to certain things that I told YOU.  YOUR cute little facial expressions and that embrace.  I never want to stop kissing YOU. I feel most comforted when I share something emotional with YOU and I feel happier when I can share good news with YOU.  I feel stupid for opening up to YOU when YOU shut me out.  I guess I can't be so cold.  It's not natural for me.  I had to find a job because I didn't want to stay at my sister's place longer than I had to.  I searched the internet and I searched in my hometown.  I decided to look for a job over seas.  There's money in it plus SHE had deserted me so I may as well.  I started getting call backs from different places.  The one I became interested in was a job in Saudi Arabia.  I had never been there in the military so I didn't really know what to expect.  I applied and sent in all supporting documents.  I had to pass a head-to-toe physical in order to get approved for a visa.  I went to the hospital and they checked everything.  It was pretty extensive and I passed with flying colors.  This will become IMPORTANT later so remember it.  Okay so there's nothing standing in my way.  I'm approved and my visa came back so I was just waiting for a date to fly out.  This part is fuzzy too.   I must be losing my memory in my 'old' age.  I think I ended up messaging HER that I was leaving for Saudi soon.  By this time, we hadn't talked for about 2 months.  She was very non-chalant about hearing from me so I thought oh well then so be it.  I had to prepare for my new adventure.  I am used to being by myself so going over there was no shock to the system.  I have always been very independant and resourceful.  I thought about HER but if SHE didn't want to or was too stubborn to talk then there was nothing I could do.  I have always been a romantic and I like doing very sexy and special things for the person that I am with to make it more interesting and to show HER that I love HER and what SHE means to me.  It's all out of love!  Where did that come from?  As I was saying, I flew to Saudi and here we go again.  I'm in another country, I am by myself, and time to make new friends and meet new co-workers.  Why did I think about HER?  SHE excites me so much!  From the way SHE talks when SHE'S sleepy to the way SHE says cute little things to HER abnormal sense of humor ( I can say that because I have one too) to how SHE looks to how I will find out SHE feels...  WOMAN how can YOU not see that I love YOU?  I must admit that when I landed in Saudi it was kind of eerie.  I had another flight to a different city there so this flight was nothing but me and ALL Saudis.  No disrespect to anyone but I like to be honest.  The whole terrorist, plane blows up, crash and burn stuff went through my mind.  I have nothing against any race at all.  But, I must admit that raced through my brain.  Since I am telling you this story, you realize nothing happened.  I landed in my new home; for a year at least, and I was missing HER.  Should I call or write or....?

I Am Blessed...

Here's pictures of the church where I prayed for a speedy and safe return home.  This is where I was when I feel asleep and had no place to go....

Back In The USA...

     I didn't let the whole over seas experience be tainted because of my ordeal with visa issues and the embassy.  It felt good to get back to the states; not only that but to be back in my hometown.  I had been traveling from place to place for the past few years so I didn't have a place of my own there.  However, I did have family that was eager to get me home in one piece and put me up during this adjustment.  One of my older sisters graciously allowed me to stay with her while I was job hunting.  I knew that while living there, I would not be able to talk as much and as openly with HER.  That part sucked and I was hoping that we would be able to manage.  I hadn't been home for about six years so it was exciting to see everyone and reconnect.  As excited as I was, I still had a lot of work to do and my personal relationship wasn't where i wanted it to be.  I never doubted the fact that I would find a job.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to learn a trade in the military that is very marketable in the 'real world'.  I just didn't knw where I would end up.  The fact that I didn't have roots was starting to wear thin on me.  Plus SHE lived on the other side of the country.  We had begun talking of HER coming out for a visit.  I was looking forward to that and was hoping for the best.  I also was hoping that SHE would go ahead and drop her worst half.  The psychology of an unhealthy relationship will never be understood by a clear and sain mind.  Still we were not expressing the feelings that we were having for each other.  There's no way that I was going to let my guard down now after SHE said SHE was still married.  I was waiting for HER to leave him.  We still talked and had sexy time together through video chatting and the telephone.  It is really really good with HER.  SHE has the natural ability to stimulate my mind and body.  SHE told me that I did the same for HER so it was mutual satisfaction at it's best.  At this point neither one of us mentioned the word LOVE.  We were just seriously starting to talk about meeting in person.  I think the fact that we couldn't talk as much and as in depth started to get to both of us.  I must admit that I wasn't thrilled about it.  SHE had become very important to me and I was falling for HER.  As dangerous as it is to fall for a married woman, I couldn't help it because it was too late.  Besides there's no way, no way that a sensible and strong minded woman like HER would stay with a douche bag...right?  I mean SHE has to know that SHE is worth way more than he will EVER give HER the respect and credit for.  Then, one day we had an argument.  As in most cases, I even forget what the argument was about now.  I think it was more out of frustration and mental exhaustion.  SHE went for my jugular and hurt my pride and feelings.  SHE asked for HER money back.  I was definitely planning to give HER money back and I was gracious for HER generosity.  It was bad timing and the way SHE asked highly offended me so the conversation to a turn for the worse.  I don't think there's anything that me and that WOMAN could do without passion.  You should see us together.  I think we compliment each other physically and emotionally.  It feels good when we are together but I am getting ahead of myself.  We get off the phone with a bunch of F yous and don't talk to me ever agains and that was that.  I felt horrible about it and I felt lonely without HER loving and support.  Family does not take the place of a lover no matter how good they are to you.  But, we stopped talking and I had a job to land.  I wondered if we would ever talk again....

What Do I Call This...

     It has been very interesting listening to different people, men and women, throughout my life thus far.  Some people like to dismiss the importance of cheating as a man's right of passage.  It's perfectly fine for a man to disrespect and hurt a woman, that should have been the most IMPORTANT person in his life.  I disagree.  Then, to piggy back that mistake even further, take the cheater back.  Only to get cheated on again and again.  There's more...  Then, upon doing something drastic themselves, made to feel like the whole thing was their fault.  Even buy into that because, after all, men have a GOD given right to cheat.  A lesson learned in life is that usually when a person confesses to a crime/inappropriate action, they have usually done much worse.  For example, ask yourself...was large sums of money missing or, better yet, missing and unexplained during the time of said misdeeds?  Maybe it wasn't just cheating- bad enough- perhaps prostitutes were involved.  One of the hardest things is the fact that this is an event to which TRUST can never truly be rebuilt.  Taking out the trash or paying the bills or washing the car or buying gifts or going out to dinner cannot and will not make up for such a heinous and deliberate offenses.  Besides, those are the things that were being done when all of the cheating occurred in the first place.  Making love to a woman is not only a physical act, it is an emotional one too.  You are connecting with a person that believes in you and trusts you.  It is so personal.  It could literally mean life or death,  It could mean having a life long commitment - a child.  It should be enjoyed by both parties with each persons satisfaction achieved.  No wait, men have a GOD given right to get what they need and leave their partner hanging.  I'm an advocate of love and a very satisfying and loving relationship that produces great things and great memories.  Not just for the first few years because of not knowing what was really going on but, for lifetime.  Now back to HER...