What A View...

     As I am reflecting on my troubles over seas and the initial solid foundation of our relationship, I must take a moment to say HER ass is nice!  It's not the biggest or roundest or whatever-est but it is PERFECT for me.  There's a song about it.  I like to joke and tease HER about it and no it's not 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-A-Lot (if you haven't heard that one then download it).  If you dare guess and get it right, then I will give you my two up coming ebooks for free!  We have lost contact a couple of times for different reasons and, as soon as I got a chance, I looked for HER.  This time was no different.  From the period of time when I traveled to the embassy to the time I got situated at home, we didn't talk because I didn't have access to a phone.  It felt good to be back home.  I have been fortunate enough to travel to different countries and it has been exciting and fun.  But I must say... GOD bless the USA! 

Preparing To Go Home...

     During the whole process of going back home, I couldn't talk to HER as much as I wanted to.  I didn't have a consistent internet connection so phone calls were next to impossible.  We did start videoing a little bit before I left and I thought SHE looked juicy!  Nice skin and curves; damn, I wanted to be with HER.  I had to minimize luggage to make the transit easier so I left hundreds of perfectly good DVDs of the latest movies and clothing to include military memorabilia.  I hated to but I had no choice.  I slimmed it down to one suitcase.  I figured that all of those material things could be replaced.  We talked when we could and I really missed HER.  I got to the embassy and they were less than hospitable.  They were a little rude there and the room they put me in was like a closet.  I might have some pictures somewhere.  If I do, then I will dig them out.  I was at their mercy so I couldn't make a fuss.  I didn't have money for the plane ticket so they bought my ticket and I signed a promissory note to pay them back.  I ended up waiting there for several days while the paperwork went through.  We have gone through so much together.  This is just one example.

I think more so than SHE had with HER husband.  But again, I will discuss the rest later.  I get emotional sometimes and I am okay with that fact.  I am glad I am not an unfeeling robot.  People like that scare me because they are like a powder keg just waiting to explode.  I am every bit of a man as the next guy; more so than others.  People have different perceptions on what a man should be and how he should act.  A man shouldn't show emotions or feelings.  A man shouldn't want or need companionship or loving from his partner.  And so forth and so on...  I think it's sad if the general consensus is that your male partner shouldn't show you the love and affection that you need.  That doesn't sound like a man to me.  That sounds like a non-caring asshole.  I am every bit of a man and I show my emotions in a way that is true to my person.  I will tell you that I love you and kiss you and hug you.  It's natural and healthy to have feelings and compassion for others.  It's very UNHEALTHY not to.  I want YOU to be as healthy as possible.  I want YOU to grow as a person.  I want YOU to go to school.  I want YOU to be more successful than me.  I want YOU to have my baby.  I want YOU to be around.  It sucks when I see something and wish YOU were there because it reminds me of YOU and what we should be....

 

Coming Clean...

     I was nervous about what SHE would think of me and if SHE would actually believe my story.  I mean come on, who do you know that overstayed their visa and was trapped in another country?  At this point, I still wasn't sure that the embassy would help me.  My little sister had talked to them and gave me a contact number to call.  So I called,  The woman from the embassy said that yes they would help me get back to the states.  She said the reason why they don't say they offer help is because they don't want Americans screwing up and coming to them for a bailout.  I guess that kind of makes sense.  I guess.  She told me how to get there and what to expect.  So cool; I can go home!  That was a big relief off of my brain.  Thank GOD!  I still have that tell all email out there.  SHE responded back in disbelief.  SHE was definitely concerned and affected by the news and said SHE was going to try to help.  I still to this day love that WOMAN so much for that and no matter what, I have HER back; anywhere, anytime.  My memory is a little fuzzy but I believe that it is around this time that SHE had some news of HER own.  SHE told me that SHE was still married but separated.  What???  Before, I had joked around that SHE had a boyfriend or someone but SHE said nope.  SHE proceeded to tell me that he cheated on HER and they had split.  It made me wonder, why no divorce?  The saying once a cheater always a cheater is IRREFUTABLE!  SHE told me some other not so good stuff about ROMEO and their relationship.  Out of respect for HER, I won't reveal that here.  All I could think is get your ass away from that jerk.  Don't you know that I would give you what you need from a partner emotionally and physically?  But I held back and listened.  OK so SHE'S married but separated.  That revelation is bitter sweet.  SHE didn't live with him so okay.  I definitely wasn't going to let on about any romantic or affectionate feelings now.  What am I talking about?  I gotta focus on getting out of here.  We will get back to this a little later on.  There's bigger fish to fry right now.  SHE sent me enough money that I could get a place to sleep and eat better than I had been doing.  Thank you PRINCESS!  I love YOU for that and many other reasons.  Now I had to figure out what I was going to do with all my stuff.  I had accumulated hundreds of DVDs and I had several suit cases full of clothing and military stuff.  Due to the fact that I will be traveling by bus and train, it is not feasible to carry all of that with me...

The Moment of Truth...

     Although we were as intimate as two people could be without yet meeting, SHE didn't owe me anything.  I was very hesitant to come clean about my whereabouts and the fact that I got myself trapped in a different country.  I didn't want to lose HER and, at the same time, how could I keep this from my BEST FRIEND?  I called HER up the next day and we talked as usual.  Conversations were definitely sex laced but I couldn't help it.  SHE turned me on in every way that a woman could turn a man on.  Oh yes, SHE'S sexy alright!  My pride wouldn't let me tell this woman that I was falling for that I was destitute.  I was so ashamed of the situation that I had let develop.  I was surely much smarter than that but it goes to show that everybody is capable of misjudgement.  I knew that I couldn't change any previous decision that I had made at this point so I needed to move forward.  I'm falling in love with this WOMAN!  But I can't tell HER.  I can't let on now.  SHE redefined what sexy is to me.  There's just something about HER that I can't get enough of even to this day.  I get even more excited about HER now than I did when it was all so fresh and new.  Just the nature of this trial will remind me from now on what a special and beautiful woman SHE is.  SHE is everything that I need.  Personality wise, body wise, HER nature and playfulness;  SHE even has a little diva thrown in there too.  No woman's body is perfect!  SHE has the perfect combination of things in the exact places that I want them.  That's why SHE turns me on so much physically.  Sometimes I just look at HER sexy pics and I get so horny that I have to take care of myself; so to speak.  This is the most excited that ANY woman has ever made me.  I love you PRINCESS!  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I decided to send HER a detailed email to soften the blow for me.  I told HER that I had been living in a different country this whole time and that I was stuck here with an expired visa.  I went on to say that I had no where to live and that I needed money for a place to stay and make it to the embassy.  I apologized for not coming forward sooner and prayed that SHE would at least forgive me if not help me.  Now for the hard part; when SHE reads it and then responds.  It could be very bad or SHE might be understanding.  Who knows, I might be in prison or something by then...

Swallow Your Pride...

     The time had come for me to tell HER about my situation.  I got kicked out of my hotel room because i didn't have the money to pay for it.  I had nowhere to go here because everyone that I had known had already gone back to the states.  I walked around aimlessly that day.  What's to come of me?  I stopped and sat on a bench that was on the sidewalk.  I needed to think of a way to get some money.  And I needed to kill some time.  Family members that could help had done so already.  There was a foreign church that I would go to almost every Sunday and pray.  It was situated at the top of a hill.  I never went to service there because the pastor didn't speak English.  Church was a part of my life growing up so praying wasn't strange to me.  I walked up to that church after I got tired of sitting.  When I opened the door, I found a seat, then bowed my head and prayed.  'Dear LORD, thank YOU for everything that YOU have done for me.  Please look after my family and friends and make sure they are safe.  Please make sure that they know that I love them.  If ever I needed YOUR help LORD it's right now...'  Somewhere in the middle of my prayer, I fell asleep because I was physically and mentally exhausted.  When I woke up, I gathered my composure and walked to an ATM to check my account.  I was surprised to see that I had enough money to get a cheap room for a couple of nights.  Then, I made a decision that would end up being an important milestone in our young relationship.  I decided to tell my PRINCESS all about my struggles and ask for HER help...

Thank GOD...

     As we talked more and more and got closer, SHE became more important to me.  We always laughed and had really good conversations.  That's what I wanted in the best case scenario.  So after the whole Vegas thing, things were getting rough for me.  I was running out of money and had no place to go.  For a long time, I never let HER know the turmoil that I faced.  We were friends up to this point and I didn't want HER to feel less of a friend or what we had established just because my life was rocky.  You never know what someone else has going on in their lives so mutual support should be your plan.  It wasn't HER fault and I knew that so why would I change towards HER?  That's not my definition of a friend.  We continued to talk, have great conversations and great sex talk.  Even though I had problems, I knew it would be really jerky to disappear or make HER feel less of what I had become for HER and to HER.  We have a moral responsibility to our true friends and family.  I was at my lowest point.  First there were days when I didn't know where my next meal was coming from.  When I would hear from HER it made me feel good and I cherished it.  I am a strong and very independent man but there is only so much burden that I could take.  I always enjoyed making HER feel good in every way.  It got to the point that I was going to be out on the streets.  I was living in a hotel and paying a monthly rent.  I knew that I wasn't going to be able to pay next month's rent.  I had been corresponding with my little sister and nephew by the time things were getting really bad.  They were trying to figure something out.  In the meantime, I was down to one meal a day and I knew, that in a couple of weeks, I would get kicked out of my room.  There's not much lower that a person could go.  But, through it all, I remained myself with HER.  Although I was down and out, the last thing on earth that I wanted to do was let HER down.  SHE is my princess and I knew that I needed HER and wanted HER in my life always.  Then, one day when I was coming upstairs to my room, the couple that owned the hotel told me I was invited to eat with them.  They lived in the hotel as well and I would smell them cooking everyday.  I guess that they were noticing changes in my demeanor and wanted to extend a hand.  I was floored because that was really nice and sweet.  I have witnessed quite a few miracles in my life; moments that happen for no other apparent reason than GOD'S will.  Some are sprinkled throughout this story.  I just wanted to go upstairs and sit and think so I respectfully declined.  I went up to my room and moments later, there was a knock at the door.  The lady from downstairs brought me a plate of food.  I thanked her.  I sat down and as I was eating, my eyes swelled up with tears; kind of like they are now.  After dinner, I got a phone call from my little sister.  She had contacted the U.S. Embassy and they said that they would help me get back home.  GREAT news!  I still had to make my way to the capital city and I needed money for a place to stay until then.  Later that night, I talked to my PRINCESS.  SHE still didn't know what I was dealing with here.  I kept it to myself.  SHE was an angel.  SHE always knew how to handle me and comfort me.  I got off so good with HER too! The things SHE says to me always gets me going.  The best lover that I ever met.  The best looking too!  I will explain later. Secretly I loved HER even then I think but I know I love HER now...

Hmmmmm....

     After I was living alone, I could talk to HER whenever I wanted.  It was great!  Since we lived on different continents, HER night was my day and my day was HER night.  During this time, I wasn't working so I was burning up my savings.  My plan was to come back over here to give the relationship with my ex a chance and find a job.  I don't play games with people because I believe in KARMA.  What you do to others will soon come back on you in a very negative way.  And because I am not a screwed up person who would take someone and use them.  Well, we now know that relationship went south and all of the American companies wanted me to apply for a visa in the U.S.  Damn, I'm a silly boy to think that a woman can be responsible and honest and trust her with my innermost feelings, and most importantly, my heart.  The whole apply-in-the-U.S. thing was out because my tourist visa had expired.  So I was stuck in this foreign land and time was running out.  I still talked to HER a lot.  I don't like making people feel unwanted or used or bad because I'm having things go rough for me.  I would message HER while she was at work.  SHE excited me in many ways; not just sexually, and I wasn't afraid to let HER know.  Everything was clicking with HER.  We have a lot in common with just enough differences to make it interesting.  Still, to this point, I never told HER how I was feeling.  I never should have cause, as I found out, SHE would use it against me.  I had wanted to keep my distance to protect myself.  I had been in enough relationships to appreciate all of the good things that were developing between us.  It was still early on and we hadn't met.  I would hear this over and over and over for the next few years.  I was trying to keep things in perspective.  I enjoyed knowing HER and talking to HER and thoughts of future things did pop into my head.  The time kept rolling by.  The more time that had passed the more intimate and descriptive our conversations got.  I always wanted a woman that I could be completely open with.  So what happens next???  I want to see HER and hold HER and make love to HER and wipe all of those tears and problems away.  I don't think SHE gets it.

Viva Las Vegas...

     Now several weeks before my ex left, my FRIEND AND I had our first trial.  When we first started talking, I had told HER that lived in Las Vegas because it was a lot easier than explaining my situation.  I used to live there so I was covered if any questions came up.  Besides, if we were only going to talk for a few weeks, what difference would it make, right?  Then a funny thing happened.  SHE told me that SHE had already planned a trip to Las Vegas with a friend and asked if I would like to meet when SHE was in town.  CRAP!  I have NEVER wanted to be somewhere so bad in my life.  I didn't want to tell HER that I wasn't  really there so I played along.  I didn't know what to do.  I decided to avoid HER calls during the time that SHE was going to be there.  I hated it!  I wished I could be there but it was impossible.  I missed HER the whole time.  To try to keep my mind off HER, I didn't give myself opportunities to call.  I thought for sure that SHE wasn't ever going to talk to me again.  It was hurting me.  There was definitely something about HER that I found irresistible.  DAMN, I blew it!  A month or so had passed and there were voice mails here and there.  We finally reconnected and I told HER that I had to go TDY or Temporary Duty during that time and I was sorry that I missed HER.  I hate lying because I'm not a good liar and it does weigh heavy on me.  I don't know if SHE truly believed me but SHE wasn't going to let that ruin what we had going.  It made me wonder if the reason that SHE wasn't pressing me was because she had something to hide.  We both wanted to make up for lost time and we had a great conversation that was topped off with sexy, raunchy, steamy phone talk.  I loved getting HER off and the fact that we both enjoy the same sexual turn ons.  Okay so we are both on the same page.  Right then we wanted to preserve our young relationship more than we wanted to dig for the truth.  SHE is definitely the sexiest woman that I ever met!  Everything I am, SHE isn't and everything SHE is, I'm not...  We meet somewhere in the middle.

I Want You....

     I miss HER!  I miss it!  I miss HER!  I want it!  I want HER!  I need it!  I need HER!  After talking about us, how could I not get horny for HER?  Our conversations were the very next thing to having in the flesh sex.  I thought about HER all last night and woke up ready!  How could SHE not?  Anyway, we got to the point that we could talk for hours at a time.  We talked about our lives, our backgrounds, where we have been, where we wanted to go, and hot steamy sex.  I finally convinced my 'soon-to-be-ex' to go back to her country of origin because she didn't have anything going for her where we were either.  I got stuck in a country because I made a spontaneous decision.  I decided to give the relationship with my 'ex in waiting' a shot so I came back after my military service had ended.  It had the makings of a tale that would rival some of the greatest love stories.  But, things didn't work out because she had a different agenda.  I'm glad now because I wouldn't have experienced things with HER.  Back to HER...  The more we talked, the more I wanted to talk to HER.  Obviously SHE felt the same way.  SHE has always thrilled me.  The time was coming to send my 'next ex' on a plane and all I could think about was getting back to my place and talking filthy to HER.  I want to talk filthy to HER right now.  So I went with my ex to the airport and hopped on a bus back home.....

I See You...

     I recall getting excited when SHE left me a dirty voice mail.  Not only was it what SHE said that made me horny, it was also how SHE said it.  By the way that we talked that first night, you would have thought we had been lovers for years.  It was like we instinctively knew each others bodies.  Now remember, I couldn't talk to HER just any time because my 'I can't wait 'til she's my ex' was still living with me.  I didn't feel bad about it because I had already said my good byes to her and she decided to stay.  I didn't let her know about my FRIEND because I wanted to try to keep the peace until I could come up with a plan to get rid of her.  My sexy new FRIEND didn't know that I was in another country in the beginning.  Let's face it; I had no idea that I was gonna talk to anyone more than once that night.  I would wait until my soon-to-be-ex went to work and I would call HER and hope that SHE would answer.  If SHE didn't, then I would leave a filthy message that I knew would make HER want to drop HER panties.  What were we doing?  I didn't know and I really didn't care.  She made me feel really really good and was someone that I could talk to and get my mind off of my visa issues.  I wasn't totally honest with HER so was SHE honest with me?  She wanted to exchange pictures early on and I didn't mind.  After high school, my confidence soared due to an enlightenment.  At my first job, I worked around women that weren't shy about saying what they wanted to do to me and how they thought I looked.  I did wonder how SHE looked.  So we did it VIA the internet.  Whoa!!! When I saw HER picture, I noticed that SHE had a really pretty face and very nice lips.  SHE also had very nice assets.  That was a sweet bonus.  I was pleasantly surprised and seeing HER made me want HER more.  However, I didn't tell HER that at this point.  SHE told me that SHE was pleased with my appearance too.  Yes, let's do this!

The First MEETING...

     It was about this time that I met HER.  I had a lot on my plate at the time; however, I still maintained IMPORTANT personal relationships.  Between living with someone, who if I had my choice would have been someone else, and wondering if I was going to end up in a foreign prison, I still maintained my cool and kept my REAL friends close.  The way it happened was accidental but it has turned out to be one of the most important days of my life.  That day, I decided to call a talk line.  I had just wanted to talk to someone and feel like everything was good.  I am a sucker for a pleasant voice so right away SHE caught my attention.  I had no idea that SHE would become important to me and we would still be talking 5 years down the road.  I also had no idea of a couple other things that I would find out about her either.  How do you feel when happiness is right in your grasp?  I mean you have many brilliant glimpses but there's one hurdle that must be jumped first.  One of the most beautiful things about relationships is the fact that they involve someone else and one of the bad things about relationships is that the involve someone else.  We met that day and had several hours of great conversation.  I hate that I don't remember every specific thing that was said but I do remember that there was very good chemistry and sexual energy between us.  I found myself wanting to and anticipating talking to her.  Every little email, every little voice mail intensified that wanting and longing.  It feels great to have desire for someone and feel that same passionate desire from them.  You can't fake it; it's either there or it isn't.  It leads to a very healthy, happy, and positive lifestyle.  Without it, you are just going through the motions until the end.  That adrenaline is like a drug!  It doesn't matter what bad things happen during your day, you are on such a natural high.  That desire and passion prevents a lot of negative things from happening such as INFIDELITIES and petty arguments.  Don't get me wrong, all relationships will include arguments and disagreements at some point but the severity and frequency would be significantly decreased.  We corresponded as much as we could.  At first our conversations were sexually charged and the more we talked, the more we revealed about our past and present lives.  I absolutely loved HER sexual expression then and now.  It was very explicit and one of the most meaningful and intimate connections that two people can have.  If your future plans of happiness and life do not agree with your current partners, then how can you have a happy, positive future together? I was infatuated with HER.  I adored HER.  She always made me feel good.  Up to this point we hadn't met and we were basically friends...

Between A Rock and A Hard Place...

     By the time that I first talked to her, my then, current relationship had all but flamed out.  So first let me tell you about the woman that I was with when we met.  We were still living together but not out of love on my part.  It was very unfortunate circumstances that had taken place.  We were having a great time together until I started noticing that this dude kept popping up.  At first there were emails and messages on messenger; of course I was told it was nothing.  Then, provocative pictures were sent.  I was again told it was nothing just pictures.  I had been in relationships before so I was well aware of the games that could be played.  My whole thing was why are you with me, if you want to be with him?  Just go be with him, if that's what you want, and leave me alone.  Then, came the usual no, no I love you and want to be with you.  My response was okay, well I don't want you to have contact with this other dude if you want to be with me.  "Oh I promise, I promise," she said.  But, he shows up "randomly" at the same place that we were at one night.  At that point, I was DONE!  I had basically gotten to the point of talking to her and saying that it wasn't working for either of us and that we needed to split.  She didn't want to go and, at the time, forcing her out could have been more trouble than it was worth.  You see, I was in a foreign country and, by that time, my visa had expired.  I had no idea of where to go or what to do because the U.S. Embassy had literature saying that they wouldn't help me in such a situation.  In order to get on a plane, you had to show a current visa and passport.  She knew all of this and I was afraid that she would turn me in if I forced her out of my place.  So I had to try another route to get her out.

The Beginning...

     Something that all of this has taught me is to never say never.  Never say the words 'I would never do that.'  Here it is almost five years later and I am wondering how did this happen?  All of the answers seem obvious.  There's no point in staying where you are not wanted or appreciated.  It's easy right???  No matter how you try to make excuses or make it not as bad....once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater!  So how am I in this mess?  I didn't cheat on anyone.  By no means am I perfect; however, I am everything that she wants and needs.  I am ten times better than anyone that she has ever been with.  Well, I did have a couple of incidents recently but I guarantee that if you put ANY man in the same situation, then they would have blown up a long time ago.  It's too late...  I genuinely love her and she is exactly who I never knew that I needed.  Well minus the dead weight.  All I can do is hope she does the right thing.  I could tell her how much I love her or how much I really need her; no wait, that hasn't worked so far.  So now what do I do?  I guess in order to answer that question, you need to hear the whole story.....